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October 28, 2005

pataqonia papeese

i think i have come to the point in my life where i can admit something. i have a real problem with short people. before i dig myself too deeply i should let you know that i am not an incredibly tall person...on a very good day i'm 5'10" but on the average day i have been known to be more like 5'9" -

now before you dismiss me as being barely average i would like to take this opportunity to assure each and every one of you that my height is really the only average thing about me...but this isn't about me - it's about short people...and by short people i mean pretty much anyone under 5'5" - because honestly, when you encounter someone of such diminuitive stature it can be a little bit awkard - eye contact is alwasy a chore and hugging? well half the time you end up putting the poor person in a headlock - and i don't know how much you remember of junior high school - but no one really likes being put in a headlock...and really, isn't the problem that you are interacting with an adult who just happens to be the approximate size of a child...for me it's a huge part of the problem, and this dear friends is where i really start freaking out...

because you know that thing that children do when they stand before you and hold out their arms - eyes pleading for you to pick them up...and of course no one can resist the big eyes and also, kids rule and any time a child wants to be held i'm johnny on the spot because i love children - and children have always loved me...but whenever i'm around a short adult i have this recurring fear that they are suddenly going to give me the big eyes - hold out their arms and say "up please" and really what do you do in that situation?

of course you have to say no because walking around carrying an adult...i mean, come on think about it...imagine you are at the local publix (and i use publix here because it is in fact superior to every other supermarket known to man - and if there is a publix in your particular town & you do not shop there then you are a damned fool) and you see me walking around carrying a small adult in a patagonia papoose as i shop for various sundries....that would be awkward would it not -

and seriously i'm not one of those tactile deficient people...i love a good hug and if you give me half the chance i'll put my hands all over you - and i think i'm probably in the minority with my fear of short people because you see lots of tall guys - guys taller than me dating tiny women...and i think they love them because they are so mousy and yet often tend to be very spicy at the same time...gralana comes to mind - and yeah, i guess if there is love and whatnot involved you don't mind picking someone up so much - especially if there is kissing involved because unless you happen to carry around a stack of phonebooks...it will be a problem -

but you really need to set boundaries because if you carry the person around a few times, they'll want to be carried all the time and next thing you know you really will be shopping at publix with all the other moms & their patagonia papeese - and like all those mothers, you'll be feeding your lover all of his/her meals (with messy results) and then after dinner you'll be forced to give airplane rides...and hey, if that's your thing i'll do my best not to judge you - but i also won't feel sorry for you when you have to invest in a step ladder and a booster seat and you get pulled over twice a week because your date is not in a government approved safety seat...as for me...if you're not tall enough to ride space mountain i'm not the kind of guy to get out of line to go on the teacups instead...because i also have a real problem with excessive spinning...it's true - i even removed one of the spin cycles from my washing machine because it just seemed redundant...what can i say? i'm very picky and also a little bit damp....

Posted by young_christopher at 11:02 PM | TrackBack

October 16, 2005

hotpockets in flight

i'm here to tell you there is nothing worse than spending countless hours cobbling together a cd mix - and the song that you so desperately want as the centerpiece of the disc cannot be found anywhere - at least not at a reasonable price...sure you can find it in a bin at your local tower records store for $18.99 but i'm here to tell you that i have never in my life paid that much money for an entire cd - in fact, the fact that they sell cd's for $18.99 causes me to secretly encourage musical piracy and selective shoplifting -

i'm not saying that i've ever done either, but i can't say that i wouldn't condone it if the situation demanded it...this wasn't such a situation so i decided to leave it alone and rebuild my cd mix without its center piece - i should probably mention that this was no ordinary cd mix - this was a double disc extravaganza whose sole aim was to plug holes in any respectable person's music collection and might just be the very thing that staves off the dreaded aviary pandemic that currently threatens the global population as we currently know it -

and since i've brought it up i will also confess that i live in constant fear that the killer bees will arrive at the same time as the aviary pandemic causing mass panic - and it's not the stinging or the buzzing that's such a problem - really it's all of the excess honey, because as we all know honey just has a tendency to get into everything and just create one giant sticky mess - anyone looking for empirical proof of this need look no further than the film entitled "honey" starring one jessica alba - i'm afraid that her career might never get unstuck...


and now i've realized after all of my carrying on that i have forgotten to name the song that was the source of my angst - it was of course the rolling stones tune "dead flowers"...but it wasn't the rolling stones version i was interested in - in fact i'll go ahead and confess that i just don't care for the rolling stones version of that song all that much...and i think by making that confession i have just made myself appear unalterably cool for i have shaken off the uncomfortable mantle of popluar culture by mocking on of its most beloved bands - a band that should be shot in public for unleashing the song "i'm so hot for you" on an unsuspecting public -

in thruth i was looking for the townes van zandt version of "dead flowers" as heard during the waning moments of that cinematic masterpiece known as the big lebowski - it was the big lebowski soundtrack that was $18.99 at tower records - the same soundtrack that was not available on i-tunes...and the townes van zandt version on i-tunes was a pretty pathetic live version off of a greatest hits record - and can i just say i hate it when artists do that? chances are, if someone is buying a greatest hits record they are looking for the original versions of songs not smarmy half-assed interpretations recorded years after the fact -

long story short, i was under the gun to get the compilation completed and into the mail so i went with the live i-tunes version which actually worked out okay because it is much shorter than the album version so i was in fact able to include "the final countdown" in all of its ebullient splendor - so with both discs completed i dropped them in the mail on saturday morning...of course later that afternoon i found the townes van zandt album "roadsongs" at the great escape - the very album that contains the song "dead flowers" as featured in the big lebowski and it was 20% off the used price to boot - i couldn't believe my unluck especially considering the great escape is directly across the street from the uptown mix stage where i shared a handshake (drug) with one jeff tweedy changing both of our lives forever - i should also mention that i am indirectly responsible for his kids being featured in that quaker oats commercial...i'm not sure exactly how or why i am able to take credit for it but i'm working on it as we speak.

while i'm figuring that out i'm also trying to figure out how i could have been wrong about notre dame/usc - my instincts are just never wrong...i haven't been that crushed by a football game since ohio state won their sham national championship against the miami hurricanes....but i'm not here to talk about football, i'm here to confess that my latest church crush is altogether too attractive for me to be able to justify loving her for another minute and so i've decided it's just best to end things now before i do something stupid like trying to introduce myself - besides, chances are she's infected with the bird flu and i'd have to tearfully get over her before too long anyway...the dude abides

Posted by young_christopher at 11:43 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 3, 2005

The Great Hunt

Having recently suffered the agony of the Birthday Card Hunt, I found myself contemplating that great mystery of what is socially funny. When once upon a time, in a pinch, there was always a good enough "Far Side" fall back, those are becoming rare themselves. Nowadays it's all vulgar, sexual, or age-related "jokes" that are mostly completely innapropriate and/or downright stupid if you're looking to give your friend a chuckle on their special day. One of my best friends didn't even send me a birthday card last month because of this problem, and I completely understood. It also confirmed that this wasn't just me not getting with it.
Entire stores are dedicated to cards, and the Humour section is always the largest. How is it that nobody in the card business can manage hit the right chord? Why is everything draw badly? Why are animals featured so prominently? What's with that old lady, and how did she get so popular? My co-worker said in response to the un-funny card question, "They haven't been funny in ages. I don't think anyone even tries...or cares." Hmmm....apathy. Card writers think the consumer doesn't give a shit, why should they? I suppose it's possible. I feel slightly insulted by card writers. Do they think we've all become stupider? Have we? Despite all of our advancements, has our collective sense of humor declined so far that bodily functions are the most amusing topics? Like we're all suddenly Beavis and Butthead and the word "boob" sends us into fits of hysteria?
Once or twice I picked out the sappiest card with the longest poem possible in order to have a good laugh at the card, rather than with it, but that requires dedicating at least another hour to the Hunt after all the "humorous" ones have been combed through. Not to mention, that only works with a few people. Sappy cards are another issue. Anyone else feel tortured trying to find somthing right for Mother's Day? Why are so many MD cards so BIG?
Then there's my own pickiness factor. I mean...it took almost my entire lunch hour to find a box of little "Thank you" cards. But why shouldn't it take a long time? Whatever you pick is a reflection of you. Whether you're looking for something funny or serious, there's the consideration of what the recipient will think of the item you chose to say in your stead whatever it is you're saying. I hope the people I end up thanking appreciate van Gogh's "Branch of an Almond Tree in Blossom." It's really quite lovely.


Posted by heidi at 2:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack