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August 6, 2006
8675309
i have decided that i have had quite enough of this bluetooth sensation that is sweeping the nation. and as such, i have gone out to my local sporting goods store and purchased a mid-sized baseball bat which i now carry with me everywhere i go. and yes, it was a difficult decision trying to decide between the satisfactory thud a solid piece of wood would supply and the ping of an aluminum bat. in the end i went with the aluminum because while the thud might have been satisfying i see this new calling of mine as a mission of mercy to the public at large and as such i feel the need to broadcast my message in a way that only the ping would allow.
so from now on, whenever i'm walking through a mall or winding my way toward a restaurant bathroom and see the dreaded earpiece i will hold aloft my trusty bat and give the offending party a solid whack sending the bluetooth (and who knows maybe even some whiteteeth as well) skittering across the floor where it will be sought out and smashed to pieces.
you might wonder where all this animosity comes from - is it any of my business if a person chooses to use the latest and greatest technology available? after all it is a free country. but i would argue that i have a difficult time enjoying my freedom when half the people i come into contact with look like they just walked off the set of star trek. and seriously, is there a phone call so important that you have to put that ridiculous thing in your ear everywhere you go? would it be so difficult to hold an actual cellphone to your actual ear? word on the street has it that they come in all sorts of manageable sizes and they are very lightweight.
admittedly i'm still a bit behind the times when it comes to such hi-falutin technology. i've only had cellphone for about 2.5 years and every day i try to think of ways that i can banish it from my life forever...because you know that thing you used to do back in the day before cellphones and pagers when you would walk into your house and before you even turn the lights on you would peer catiously toward the answering machine hoping the blinking red lite of people actually love me would be flashing.
with cellphones the suffering can be much more acute. reaching into your pocket every thirty minutes and looking at the blank lcd screen - maybe flipping the phone open and shut every few minutes just to ensure that it is still working. it's all so soul damaging - and now they want to give me an earpiece that whispers hollowly every 30 seconds nobody loves you right now? no thanks! true, the bluetooth would make it easier to fake talk so no one else would have to know that no one loves you (unless of course you fake talk too loudly - because that's sort of a dead give away) but you would still know...
in spite of all of this, nothing breaks my heart like seeing two people walking through the mall together talking on their phones to completely different people - and then there's the whole dinner out fiasco whereby someone will inevitably take a phone call in spite of the fact that they are at this dinner for the express purpose of enjoying your company. but instead of just screening the call some people need the validation of being able to say: yeah, i'm out with so and so...
and the way i see it bluetooth is just the next step towards losing our souls completely. because now you have no idea if the person is talking to you or some other voice in their head. and really, there's nothing more infuriating than responding to someone only to have them stare back at you blankly because they weren't talking to you to begin with. well dear friends, i've had it with all of this nonsense - so from now on, i'm letting the bat do the talking for me. you've been warned.
| By young_christopher | 4:23 PM