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March 2, 2006
getting away with murder
so i was in the mall the other day and this thought occurred to me. there are a lot of real losers in life - perhaps you yourself are a loser or have felt like one from time to time. i know that i certainly have. but i'm here to set your mind at ease, because no matter how bad your life may be there is always someone in far worse shape than you, my friend.
take those unfortunate souls that work at mall kiosks - honestly, there must be a special level of hell on the very very bottom - perhaps next to the giant boiler that keeps it so toasty where they will keep those asshats. you've seen them i'm sure with their massage devices and magical boomerang helicopters - perhaps if you are a woman they have reached out and grabbed you because seriously, you just have to try this miracle face cream. it's fantastic. yeah, no thanks and while we're at it i'm not interested in your cell phones, jewelry, or magical candles either.
but there is one kiosk that has always fascinated me - the kiosk that houses the super shammy every time i walk by there is inevitably a small crowd of people watching awestruck as the young man or woman demonstrates the incredible absorbant powers of this mystery fabric. i mean regular shammy's are great for washing the car or polishing your guitar to a brilliant (charlie) sheen - but this shammy is even better. because it's super.
but here is where the cynic in me kicks in. how often do you honestly have a spill that is so large an ordinary paper towel simply will not suffice. if the hot water heater explodes is the super shammy strong enough to soak up all of that water? could f.e.m.a. have utilized these magical powers during the hurricane katrina disasters? hardly. in fact, every time you see a professional swimming/diving competition those folks just use the regular shammy's to wipe down between races - and they know alot about being very wet. if the thorpedo isn't using a super shammy then neither am i.
so here's what you do. next time you are in a mall where the super shammy is being sold walk up to the young salesperson and tell them that you have just killed your entire family and there is a lot of blood that needs to be cleaned up. stat. ask them how many super shammys it would require to clean up the mess you have made in the house and then how many more it would take to line the trunk of your car. then ask if they wouldn't mind heading back to the house with you to show you how to operate the machinery. i'm sure they will be glad to help. after all they are salespeople.
| By young_christopher | 10:16 PM