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February 11, 2006
i'm always in love
so here we are again on the cusp of yet another valentines day. which, commercialization aside is always a time of reflection for me. much more so than new years. in fact you might even say that my year doesn't officialy begin until february 15th - which of course makes someone like me no fun at all when it comes to new years eve parties. because while everyone else is partaking of whatever libations happen to be easily accessible i'm in the over stuffed chair panicking because i'm running out of time to find the love of my life - or at least a sustainable relationship that can last me until the flowers die.
currently i have three days left and nary a prospect in sight. it's not something that i'm really freaking out about. much. it's just that the years are slipping by and now i'm worried that i can't commit. well that can't be true because it really makes me sound like such a cliche. and that's no good at all. because i'm not a cliche - well i might be a cliche but i'm my own cliche - i'm a cul de sac extremely well rounded but going nowhere. and it's not that i can't commit because i'm definitely an all or nothing type of person.
i mean when i started dating karen in the 3rd grade i was desparately commited to her and had every intention that we would spend the rest of our lives together. sadly, we grew apart as young lovers often do and i've spent the rest of my life wondering where things went wrong. okay, maybe not the rest of my life but it bothered me up through grade 4 when i left that school.
but i'll willingly confess here and now before all that i may have peaked romantically at the age of 9. because that was the first and the last romantic relationship i participated in. why? i'm not really sure. people tell me it's complicated - or rather that my ideas about it are complicated and i suppose this is true. because on one level it's the one thing that i want more than anything else - at the same time i'm completely indifferent to the whole process. how can these two ideas coexist within the same being you ask?because i am an enigma.
also, i worry that if i ever find my way into the arms of my true lover what will happen to all of this romantic angst that i've carried with me through the years? i mean is it possible to be in a happy commited relationship and still write songs of love, loss, and regret? if i fell head over heels with the woman of my dreams what would become of the album of one thousand songs and counting? somewhow jeff tweedy has managed to pull it off but i'm not sure if i am ready to take that chance yet - and no one is really sure how his wife feels about all of that. but still i'm finding it nearly impossible to hold out much longer. many of my friends are married now and i'm not and i can tell that they are judging me every second of the day...and i cannot bear the peer pressure. i've forgotten what i'd set out to say here.
i think it was just this: valentines day is right around the bend and i don't even have a crush on anyone at the moment. well, not a realistic crush anyway. there was this dark haired girl in the orlando airport yesterday - she was quite stunning and i would have dropped to one knee and proposed had i not been in danger of missing my flight - and also she was wearing a coat. indoors. in florida. it was a badass coat and she was totally rocking the black pumas that i'm currently in love with but still...it's not like it really matters getting myself all worked up. after all, i'll be bundled up in a hotel room in chicago when the big day comes all panicky hoping against hope that the flowers i ordered are delivered to their respective destinations on time.
and the funny thing is, i really used to be that guy. with cards and candy at the ready - love letters, poetry - it didn't matter if i really liked the girl or not. i still have some of that left in me i suppose - but i find it getting harder to put forth the effort...because why should i have to explain why i bought you expensive jewelry and body chocolate? why does it have to mean something? it's so exhausting!
| By young_christopher | 3:02 PM