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October 28, 2005
pataqonia papeese
i think i have come to the point in my life where i can admit something. i have a real problem with short people. before i dig myself too deeply i should let you know that i am not an incredibly tall person...on a very good day i'm 5'10" but on the average day i have been known to be more like 5'9" -
now before you dismiss me as being barely average i would like to take this opportunity to assure each and every one of you that my height is really the only average thing about me...but this isn't about me - it's about short people...and by short people i mean pretty much anyone under 5'5" - because honestly, when you encounter someone of such diminuitive stature it can be a little bit awkard - eye contact is alwasy a chore and hugging? well half the time you end up putting the poor person in a headlock - and i don't know how much you remember of junior high school - but no one really likes being put in a headlock...and really, isn't the problem that you are interacting with an adult who just happens to be the approximate size of a child...for me it's a huge part of the problem, and this dear friends is where i really start freaking out...
because you know that thing that children do when they stand before you and hold out their arms - eyes pleading for you to pick them up...and of course no one can resist the big eyes and also, kids rule and any time a child wants to be held i'm johnny on the spot because i love children - and children have always loved me...but whenever i'm around a short adult i have this recurring fear that they are suddenly going to give me the big eyes - hold out their arms and say "up please" and really what do you do in that situation?
of course you have to say no because walking around carrying an adult...i mean, come on think about it...imagine you are at the local publix (and i use publix here because it is in fact superior to every other supermarket known to man - and if there is a publix in your particular town & you do not shop there then you are a damned fool) and you see me walking around carrying a small adult in a patagonia papoose as i shop for various sundries....that would be awkward would it not -
and seriously i'm not one of those tactile deficient people...i love a good hug and if you give me half the chance i'll put my hands all over you - and i think i'm probably in the minority with my fear of short people because you see lots of tall guys - guys taller than me dating tiny women...and i think they love them because they are so mousy and yet often tend to be very spicy at the same time...gralana comes to mind - and yeah, i guess if there is love and whatnot involved you don't mind picking someone up so much - especially if there is kissing involved because unless you happen to carry around a stack of phonebooks...it will be a problem -
but you really need to set boundaries because if you carry the person around a few times, they'll want to be carried all the time and next thing you know you really will be shopping at publix with all the other moms & their patagonia papeese - and like all those mothers, you'll be feeding your lover all of his/her meals (with messy results) and then after dinner you'll be forced to give airplane rides...and hey, if that's your thing i'll do my best not to judge you - but i also won't feel sorry for you when you have to invest in a step ladder and a booster seat and you get pulled over twice a week because your date is not in a government approved safety seat...as for me...if you're not tall enough to ride space mountain i'm not the kind of guy to get out of line to go on the teacups instead...because i also have a real problem with excessive spinning...it's true - i even removed one of the spin cycles from my washing machine because it just seemed redundant...what can i say? i'm very picky and also a little bit damp....
| By young_christopher | 11:02 PM