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May 26, 2005
cubetob sanspants
have you ever found yourself subjected
cruelly to disciplinary action around the office? well, up
until today i could have answered that question with an emphatic
no! (is there really any other kind?) but then this morning -
after arriving at work one full hour before the office opens
- i received an ominous voice message from those hr types
telling me that we needed to have a little meeting to discuss
a few small performance related items and of course i
immediately panicked because i thought that everyone knew my worst
kept secret - that i in fact, wear a hair piece - and this is not just
any hair piece...its my own special design - a design i like to refer
to as my performance enhancing rug not only because it helps
me out with the ladies - but also it has to be nurtured by various &
sundry steroids or it just ends up looking all loose and limp - and
anyone who knows me knows that i like my hair like i like my
body...rockin'
and as you may suspect, in my line of work random steroid testing is
pretty normal procedure - so i figured i must have finally been busted
due to my own carelessness or because when my anonymous homeless urine
donor confessed that he'd been turned on to the juice he
wasn't just referring to the juice newton box set i had given him as a
thank you gift for all the clean samples...so of course i've got my
story all prepared as i head into the hr interrogation room -
and really i sort of feel bad for those people because they're alot
like those poor bastards who work in internal affairs on
those police procedural dramas that i hear the kids go nuts for -
those guys never catch a break...
anyway, hr wasn't interested in my steroid use or lack
thereof - they wanted to address some complaints that had been filed
by my fellow co-workers (anonymously of course) directly relating to
what was referred to as my excessive need to call attention
to myself out on the floor which, i don't really get - and
then they showed gratuitous surveillance footage of me slamming down
my phone leaping into the aisle giving an emphatic (and totally rad)
first down signal - which is something i like to do after i've
resolved a job task - and it's not meant to show any one up - it's not
meant to call attention to myself - it's merely a symbol that i'm on
to the next big thing. and apparently all these anonymous coworkers
feel threatened by my drive and ambition - and these are probably the
people that settle for field goals in life...and i'm sorry but that's
just not me...but since i've chosen to work alongside a bunch of
nancies' (no one in the office is actually named nancy) i
have been asked to tone it down and keep my celebrations
within my cube....so being the passive aggressive type i have proudly
re-displayed all of my awards atop my credenza and whenever anyone
walks by i stop whatever i happen to be doing - leap onto my desk drop
my pants (in one seemless motion mind you) point to my cubetop
festooned with trophys and whisper scoreboard! only i
don't whisper it if you know what i mean.
| By young_christopher | 12:35 PM