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June 2, 2005
the fear of nudity
there are probably one million reasons
why i will never marry - fear of commitment, social anxiety, night
blindness, fear of nudity - but one of the primary reasons the
prospect frightens me so impossibly is the whole drama of the
ring (not to be confused with the pop culture phenom film of the
same name) thing...first, selfishly i'll admit that i've never owned a
ring in my entire life unless of course you count those plastic rings
with the giant candied gem on them or the unfortunate ringworm
incident back in the eighth grade which i still don't like
talking about...i think the primary reason for this is could be that
my stumpy useless hands that have always served me so well when it
comes to retrieving lost objects from behind or beneath household
appliances, look rather foolish when adorned with rings...and having
never been a ring wearer (or even a ring bearer for that matter - even
though i do have an adorable cowlick and cherubic cheeks that would
elicit gasps and sighs as i walked down the aisle with the fluffy
pillow of promise and destiny - still i'm not bitter) i don't
know that i would be qualified to pick out the perfect ring
for the l.o.v.e. of my l.i.f.e. - seriously. for me picking out a
three ring binder is an all day affair.
and how exactly does that whole ring shopping thing work anyway?
because i have always been under the impression that popping the
question was supposed to be some big event fraught with deep knee
bending leading to sky writing followed almost immediately by
gymnastics of the heart - but then you talk to friends who are (mating
while) dating and they will tell you unabashedly that they are
ring shopping which sort of makes the whole dramatic proposal
event moot don't you think? i know rick springfield certainly does.
and rick springfield would know - because from what i hear he finally
consummated his long awaited love affair with jessie's girl - and you
might think that jessie would have been pissed. and he was. at first.
but then he realized that rick and jessie's girl really were the
better match so instead of losing a friend and a lover he decided to
just cut his losses, swallow his pride and be the supportive friend.
and it really is great you know? like a real life dawson's creek
finale equal parts e.f.f.e.t.e. and e.d.g.e. i ran into the the
three of them down at the food court last weekend sharing an
orange julius (three people one straw - metaphor for the tie
that binds or fasttrack to mono - you be the judge [reinhold]) and
they were laughing and having a grand old time because apparently they
had spent the morning ring shopping at zayles (the galleria of
jewelry) have mercy indeed!
and that i guess, is when i realized that ring shopping is probably a
good idea - because yes it does sort of spoil the mystery and the
intrigue - but then again you'll be waking up to the same person for
the rest of your life so it's a nice bit of foreshadowing for how all
of the mystery and intrigue are about to be sucked out of your life.
forever. and also, ring shopping gauruntees that you don't end up
dropping some hideous piece of whatnot on the woman that would have
been more than happy to fill the role of your future wife
until she saw the hideous ring - which, yes i know that it
may have been your great grandmothers but dude....it's still hideous -
no self respecting woman wants to be seen walking around with that
much filigree on her fair knuckle...if she really wanted something
that bulky she would have worn your class ring on her chubby toe thumb
instead of on a chain around her neck...i'm just saying. if you insist
on forcing that thing on her you might find yourself with a
garage full of invitations that will serve as a lifelong reminder of
what a cheap bastard you were - because seriously...if you wanted a
woman to wear your great grandmothers ring - maybe you should have
married your great grandmother.
| By young_christopher | 9:30 PM