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July 12, 2005
elvis frappuccino
so you're inxs and you find
yourself lost in the ipod shuffle of yesteryear desperately wondering
how you can make your own particular brand of music relevant again -
no small task for any band whose best years are clearly behind them
(yes i'm talking about you u2) but then you factor in the fact that
your charismatic lead singer with the golden vocal chords and latent
sex appeal happens to be dead - well you're sort of screwed...
unless of course you have the good fortune to cash in on the reality
television juggernaut that is sometimes referred to as the reality
television juggernaut which, not only gets your band back into
the public eye - it also happens to generate tons of free publicity
for this upcoming album that will be released with the singer
who prevails in this televised audition of e.p.i.c.
proportions...it should also be noted here that any opportunity
to appear on television with the stunning brooke burke (not
to be confused with brooke burns of north shore/dog eat
dog infamy whose porcelain veneers haunt me. and i don not lie.)
is never a bad idea...in fact, i auditioned for the show (the show
being rockstar inxs) and did fairly well for myself all the
way through regional finals where i performed every day i write
the book. only, instead of saying book - i substituted the word
brooke. and even though she found this adorable (my
word not hers) the producers found it cloying (which...is
that even a word?) and i got the boot - but brooke and i are pan
pals (seriously. we trade bread recipes) and it's great.
- thus i can comfortably proclaim that even though i am not going to
be the new lead singer for inxs the forthcoming record will
most likely do bang up business - i'm predicting at least 500,000
sold domestically (probably 7 or 8 billion sold in australia) -
which is still a gold record, and a measure of moderate success -
even though said record probably won't be very good...and let's be
realistic, it won't - the career of inxs was in the tank
long before michael hutchence checked out - the same michael
hutchence who once publicly complained that u2 had co-opted the
inxs sound on achtung baby (which, yeah i guess i
can sort of see that on a song like mysterious ways) and
this - and this alone was the reason that record sales had begun to
flag...but come on mike, people didn't stop buying radiohead records
just because those asshats that call themselves coldplay
co-opted their sound. but we'll forgive michael for this
oversight because i think the real trouble with him was that he
never really got over ubermodel helena christiansen - most
famous for her romp on the beach with elvis frapuccino aka
chris isaak in his wicked game video - and i could see how
michael might have trouble getting over a girl like that - she's
gloriously beautiful with the kind of eyes that one could really get
lost in...seriously. just ask debbie gibson.
where was i? oh yes. don't get me wrong i don't begrudge inxs
any (inx)success that might come from this latest
venture - i mean seriously, they could have tapped david lee roth to
front the band - or that dude from extreme that totally
(& ultimately) ruined van halen once for all (and thank
holy heaven for that). and this is really a pretty clever marketing
ploy on their part and they will no doubt line their pockets with
large sweaty wads of cash - and also? how can you be angry with the
band that gave us never tear us apart hands down one of the
greatest songs of my lifetime - and i'm not just saying that because
of its recent inclusion on the donnie darko directors
cut...because any of us who have seen the classic donkeyman
video recognize immediately that donnie darko is nothing
short of plagiarism and poor man's tobey macguire can just kiss it
- also, i'm not just singing the praises of never tear us
apart because of the phenomenal sexophone solo that
features prominently - even though it does totally rock - it's
simply a perfectly crafted/and executed pop song with the strings
and the sax and that nifty guitar break between the chorus
and the verse - that song seriously fights for my allegiance with
the promise by when in rome as the greatest song of the
almost 1990's and thank you napolean dynamite for bringing
it back.
| By young_christopher | 9:00 PM