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July 28, 2005
spork & beans
so this past weekend i had occasion to
attend that dreaded event formidably known as the family
reunion replete with all the eye-rolling - green bean casserole -
and warmed over deviled eggs that we have all come to expect over the
years...and somewhere between the slip 'n slide and the family sing it
donned on me that i might be a member of the strangest collection of
relatives known to man. and i say that with the full realization that
most folks feel much the same about certain relatives that
always turn up at family functions even though you're pretty sure that
they weren't invited. and even though they somehow got the
memo detailing the date, time, and location of the gathering they seem
to have missed the part that encouraged the bringing of food & or
beverages - so they conveniently have just enough tallboys to tide
them over for the aftenoon but that cooler lid stays locked up tight
anytime you happen to walk by.
and so by the time the dinner bell rings a distant cousin has to drag
you kicking and screaming from your prone position in the kiddie pool
where you were only trying to put yourself out of your misery because
a: it's unbearably hot & b: your hot aunt just reminded you
of the time you accidentally saw her naked because she had the
audacity to use the very same restroom that housed the linen closet
that you chose as your hiding spot....and also, you're drunckle keeps
getting emotional because he's half lit & really can't believe how
much you've grown and wasn't it just yesterday that he was baiting
your hooks and teaching you how to throw a football...and really it's
amazing that he could remember any of that because he was constantly
stealing pieces of your home chemistry set for reasons you still
haven't been able to ascertain.
but just as you're recovering childhood memories probably better left
alone - you are saved by the family photo because it's
important to gather everyone together and preserve this moment in
history because really, how often do we do this? and that's
probably why no one seems to mind that random kids from the
neighborhood somehow make it into the shot - because when will you
have the chance to see those little brats again...and also, it would
take a great amount of time and effort to chase them away and the sun
is going down and the mosquitos are buzzing because your fat relatives
reek of pure unadulterated sugar & sugar bi-products...and you wonder
how none of them are diabetic, but this thought is quickly chased away
by the rage that wells up within you when you realize that there are
at least 5 more cameras left and at least three of those will have
features so complicated that the owner of said camera (after 15
minutes of shouting out instructions) will have to go up to the front
and demonstrate how the blessed thing works which means they'll have
to repose themselves...and really it makes no sense in this modern age
of technological whatnot that so many pictures should need to be
taken...
i mean couldn't we just take one picture and send it out in a lovely
e-mail? better yet, give me the memory card, i'll print up the photo
onto a t-shirt and send it out to everyone complete with a clever
reunion themed top ten list on the back...that, dear friends
would be the bomb.com
i might even photoshop our heads atop the bodies of penguins posing on
a glacier for my cousin who is obsessed with penguins. seriously, it's
pretty much the only thing he talks about...he is well past the age
where his hormones should have borne forth in him an interest in
the ladies, but really...all he cares about are
penguins....which, i know that penguins are strange and mysterious in
that sort of austere, flightless way...but come on when you are a
student living in a dorm at a major university you might want to dial
back the wierdness a notch. or two...and i wonder how that happens. i
mean how do you become interested in something like penguins?
i will openly admit to being interested in many diverse things - if by
diverse you mean action figures with hinged knees and real
hair...and maybe that is strange...maybe, many of my relatives stand
and wonder heads agog and mouths agape about my strange obsession with
action star hair when i should really be thinking about
settling down and starting a family...and of course i don't even want
to think about that because i am currently in the throes of one of the
worst breakups i have ever had to endure - and it's a miracle that i
even make it out of bed most mornings...and i don't know if it makes
it better or worse that i never even spoke to this woman - because for
all the fuss that gets made, i often find that communication can be so
over rated. i mean seriously, how many times have you liked an
attractive stranger less after you had a conversation with them? it
happens to me alot. still - the no talking thing? sort of makes it
difficult to acheive closure or to find out where things went
wrong...so the best that you can hope for is that your real
hair will be in perfect order in anticipation of a chance
encounter because it's hard to be taken seriously as a super
action star/former lover if you have fake hair. seriously. just
ask ben affleck.
| By young_christopher | 9:04 PM